Friday evening: a guest blog from my friend, Miss K

Good evening, welcome to my post meridian blog, written by me after a couple, or should I say, quite a few glasses of wine.  I am visiting my friend, whom, for the purposes of this blog, I shall call 'Miss K'.  Miss K and I have been friends for quite a few years now and I have noticed that she has rather adorable feet. Unlike me, Miss K, has a perfect size 6 with long toes and rather a splendid collection of heels, of which she's justifiability proud.  I have taken the liberty of snapping Miss K's amazing tootsies for your enjoyment.

As you can see, Miss K's feet are a little swollen.  This is because she adores the feeling of high heels in her job, but of course, they cause swelling at the end of the day and there's nothing she enjoys more than soaking her feet in a bowl of warm water and mineral salts to relieve them.

Miss K is modelling her four inch plum suede heels of which she's a huge fan.  I must admit, that I, The Duchess, have often coveted Miss K's shoe size and indeed her sense of style, which I can never match up to.  She also tells me, woman to woman, that she adores the feeling of nylon tights and stockings on her shapely legs.  I don't blame her, I like it too, it's adorable, so soft, so shiny and so tactile.  Enjoy!

Friday: Next patent bow ballerina woes

Now, everybody who reads this blog undoubtedly knows that I own far too many pairs of shoes and it's now getting very difficult to keep the house tidy because of this.  A former colleague once told me a story about a friend of his who had converted all of the stairs into shoe storage by fitting drawers on the front, but if you, like me, think that that sounds really dangerous, you'd probably be right.  This was also the bloke who talked about a friend of his who was visiting Switzerland on business when a guy offered to buy the tights she was wearing at the time.  Very strange indeed - that's never happened to me on the tube.

I purchased these lovely Next maroon patent ballerinas from one of their online sales and I adore them; the problem is that they're far too small, which is such a shame.  I have tried stretching them in the past via the medium of one of those wooden things which are available from all good stockists, including Betterware, but to no avail.  Therefore they've been languishing in my locker at work for ages, but I've not been able to wear them for long because the freaky second toe on my left foot keeps hitting the end causing no end of discomfort, so yesterday I brought them home to hopefully sell them on eBay at some point.

Why do you like them so much then?  Well, as regular readers are more than aware, I love the look, feel and general lustre of patent leather.  I think this dates back to childhood when I used to covet other girls' shoes which were always nicer than mine.  I'm not sure whether this is an urban myth, or I've written about this before, but I seem to recall hearing about some schools banning patent leather shoes because apparently 'your underwear can be reflected in the shine' - really?

When I did wear these shoes I used to team them with skinny jeans and a blazer because I really like that look.  Kate Moss often sports it, but please let me tell you, here and now, that's where the similarities end between me and Miss Moss/Mrs Hince (whatever she's called....) because I'm a whole lot lardier than the aforementioned supermodel, haven't bathed in champagne with Johnny Depp and I certainly haven't had Bryan Ferry play at my wedding.  Sorry to disappoint.

As you can see from the picture, they're 'sole revivers' which means that they've got squashy bits in the sole to aid comfort whilst wearing.  I do like this kind of thing and notice that Clarks use a similar technology which they've dubbed 'Softwear'.  However, in the long run I guess it gets too squashed and becomes a little redundant - a bit like the latex layer of a Birkenstock which moulds to the exact shape of your foot.  Ooh, the mention of latex has got me all hot and bothered under the collar (spiked!), although I don't like the thought of having to oil myself up to be able to wear it.  Give me a bit of leather and lace any day....

Wednesday: heeled hypothesis

Guess, what?  The Duchess is still trying to decide which pair of cheap high heeled shoes to purchase.  Why on earth is that, you may ask?  Shouldn't you pay £30 extra for a nice pair of Clarks and be done with it and what's wrong with a mid heel - i.e. 3 inch elevation?  Well, as you know, I'm a person of extremes and have to deal with that on at least a daily basis. 

Right, so it was off to New Look again this morning to have a mosey around - unfortunately, being the school holidays, I had the Earl in tow, so I couldn't spend too long stomping around the shop floor before he started getting distracted and began speaking to his reflection in the mirror (he also addresses shop mannequins like they're real people: ergo, he's a bit odd).  My size, which everybody who reads this blog reads is a 9/43 is seemingly only available in wide fit, which I think slightly bizarre because I've got long, but not particularly wide feet.  Therefore, please find attached pics of the maroon pair which retailed at £15, as shown on the shelf, or indeed £19.99 as priced on the bottom of the shoe.

As you can see, they have a 4-5 inch stiletto heel and a small platform.  I can walk in them, but I wobble a bit, as I tend to whilst wearing thin heeled footwear.  Being wide fit I do feel like my foot is rattling around quite a bit in them and if they're teamed with nylon tights of any kind, I reckon they'll slip straight off.  The stilletto point is also quite narrow and I imagine it's probably holding the same equivalent mass of an elephant standing on a needle.

So, onto the other pair, in faux scarlet red suede microfibre which retailed at £19.99.  They are my personal favourite of the two different pairs pictured, as the heels are slightly wider, hence less 'wobbling', but once again, they're too wide as the pictures show - and would probably slip off and cause corns, blisters and most likely, bunions.  This does worry me because I have had loads of issues with ill-fitting shoes in the past cutting my feet terribly.  I seem to recall a coach trip many moons ago that I wore a pair of Dolcis black leather sandals which actually cut into my feet causing severe discomfort and bleeding.  I do have to walk everywhere in life and therefore, cannot compromise the condition of my feet. 

Easter Monday: BBC Radio 4 - Foot Notes

For those not in the UK or indeed not around and listening to BBC Radio 4 on a Thursday morning, I thought I'd share details of this amazing programme with you which will expire in a couple of days, but here's a link anyway: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01rgm9s

For those not quick enough off of the mark, it's a great programme, hosted and written by the former editor of The Erotic Review, Rowan Pelling and explains her love of shoes through to anything foot and indeed footwear related.  Herewith my rough summary, which is pretty much expressed in order of how I recall it, despite the fact that I've just listened to it (goldfish have nothing on me....)

Most women like shoes and tend to own quite a few pairs.  Despite being merely a foot covering, the humble shoe has transformed the way we think about our feet, although we all seem to have pairs that we adore, despite them being too big/small/uncomfortable etc.  Red shoes denote passion, exuberance and sexual interest when worn by females, especially for dancing - the case in point is Hans Christian Andersen's The Red Shoes which was made famously into a classic film starring ballerina Moira Shearer.  Personally, I adore red shoes and can't get enough of them, so what does that say about me, huh?

Walking incorrectly in shoes can cause no end of problems from the mundane: corns, bunions etc, right through to serious conditions such as a foot ulcer which is exascerbated by other existing conditions such as Diabetes.  There are special courses devoted to teach students how to walk in heels and apparently the knack is utilising your bottom/gluteal muscles (hence the wiggle?)

There was also a mention of the shoe museum in Northampton which was the former base of the cobbling industry many moons ago.  Of course, the film Kinky Boots was set there and they interviewed the real life factory owner whose story inspired the film, but sadly, like many factories in Britain, his company has gone bust and he's now working as a firefighter.  I thought the idea of re-fashioning and indeed re-engineering a pair of heels to fit a 15 stone man with size 12 feet was fascinating and reminded me to re-rent the film.

Finally, Rowan Pelling mentioned her deep love of brogues and I do too, despite me not owning a pair.  I'm very keen on this pair from Clarks, especially in black patent leather.  Oh I love a bit of a shiny leather, I really do - perhaps I'm a bit kinky like that? 

Easter Saturday: The Duchess on The Duchess

Happy Easter!  As an egg-exlent treat, here's an interview with my good self, including an awful lot of the answers various correspondents ask me for.

So, how did you get into all of this?

The answers to this are all contained within a Christmas 2012 posting - check it out: http://nomeanfeetfortheduchess.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/happy-christmas-festive-tootsies-and.html

What is it with you and an obsession with the strange aspects of life?

It's a mixture of boredom, listlessness and an obsession with the vagaries of the human condition.

WTF?  Really?  Get out more.

I fully intend to thank you.  Maybe readers can play 'Where's Wally' with my feet in the summer?  Perhaps I'll state which London postcode I'm going to be strolling through and you can see if you spot me?  Mind you, wouldn't it be funny if somebody approached a woman and said 'Duchess?', only for the poor perplexed woman to walk off, confused as hell.

Why do you like 'Commuter Crush' in The Metro and 'Missed Connections on CL?

Although in the majority of cases it's some kind of bizarre code, I don't care, I believe in serendipity.  I want to see people together, paired off and happy.  Going on the initial dates of any relationship is so exciting.  However, I say that but when I used to date blokes in the 1990s all I ever got was a man stroking my acrylic cardigan during a showing of The Shawshank Redemption and various other disappointing dates, therefore I was quite happy to be proposed to in the year 2000 (which always reminds me of the Pulp song!)

Anything else?

Well, quite a lot of this blogging is displacement activity.  Now I must get myself sorted.  Have a great Easter!

Finally, do you own those shoes pictured below and if so, why on earth are you wearing them with turquoise socks?  Are you totally barmy?

No, I was merely trying them on in New Look.  Yes, I suppose I am a bit, when I used to do Amateur Dramatics I was compared to the mighty Su Pollard on quite a few occasions.  Huh!

Maundy Thursday: Hangovers, hissy fits and harmony

OK, after a bit of a challenging week I've relented and the blog is now back in the public domain, plus it's also searchable via Google.  Yes, I've got over my hissy fit and feel a lot better now, well, apart from a bit of a hangover caused by drinking far too much at the work quiz last night.  I am finding it difficult to express myself via email at the moment and everything's coming out wrong, so I stick to anonymous blogging until I'm in a better frame of mind.  I think that's the trouble with the instant nature of electronic communication sometimes - you hit 'send' and it's gone, disappearing into the ether.

Right, feet - that's why your here isn't it?  Fine.  Today's picture is me wearing my white Betula flip flops which I've owned for a couple of years now, hence why they're quite discoloured.  I think I've written about Betulas before, but they're a Birkenstock side brand and are a PU flip flop.  They sell them on the mighty QVC where they wax lyrical about them for at least 18 minutes at a time.

Is there anything else I can share about feet?  Well, I wore my zebra print boots to work yesterday and they were universally admired.  I love the fact that they're hairy.  Yum!  However, my feet are a bit sore from being rubbed.  Awwhhh!

Monday: dark purple toes and lethargy

I just wish I could shake off this feeling of lethargy from my body and soul, but I cannot, however hard I try.  Mind you, I say that, but I'm not making that much of an effort, am I?  Typical me - I am a flaneur by nature.

Right, feet - that's what you've logged on to see and that's what I am going to give you.  Here's an exclusive picture of my new dark purple pedicure (Champney's brand for all of you nail polish fact fans!), which, if you look closely you can see how lumpy the second toe of my left foot is:

The issue is that, although I have really long toes and although that's really attractive to some people, shoe wise it causes huge problems.  Basically, I can never go consider not having toe nail polish on these days because the nail itself is discoloured, bulbous and cracked.  It really hurts if it hits the end of a shoe I'm wearing, that's why I'm in heaven once sandal season starts.  When is that going to be this year?  I'd like to see some kind of Spring.....

Also, I'm not sure why my feet look as puffy as they do - after all I've only carried out my normal constitutional.  Poor things, they need a rub.